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Talk:Rayman GBC GAME OVER/@comment-11079349-20131125004115
Interesting ... yet unoriginal. I read it all, but several things are pretty cliche. I'll do what i usually do and list the things that helped and hurt this creepypasta to me. 1. No matter how many time's I've seen it in a creepypasta, every time suicide occurs, it's always predictable. Now, I'm not saying this wasnt done fairly well in your story, I'm just saying it seems a slight bit ... pointless. no emotional scene by the protagonist, no note explaining, in greater detail, why the brother did it, nothing. other than that, it was a great use of a rather cliche thing. 2. The curse was unique and well used. I can honestly say I havent seen something quite like that before. Whenever a game is cursed, normally it was some ancient, evil spirit. other times, it was cursed by the ghost of the previous user. And some times it was just a demon inhabiting a game. 3. Rayman was a unique way to drag people in. I like that idea. 4. I like the idea of the nightmares, but they are, honestly, rather hard to pull off properly. You did a fair job with them, but it would likely have been a bit better with more detail. 5. The gameover screen was a bit over the top. I'm not sure how I would have played it out myself, so I'll give you credit, but it didn't seem to work the way you wanted it to. 6. A zoomed in image of the main character getting killed or just dead is fairly cliche, but is usable. The problem here was the lack of detail you gave us. all you really said was rayman's face was terrified, with the arrow through his head, and he was closer than before. the question becomes "When did it happen earlier." because of the lack of detail. I understand it was refering to the picture, but it just doesnt make enough sense. the question at the point of understanding becomes "so how much closer are we talking here? was his head covering most of the screen, or was it just a bit large. 7. you avoided talking about the brother's nightmare, and while that helped you get this dont faster, it made his suicide seem a bit random. you said you wouldnt describe his nightmare because of his reaction to it, but for all we know, he dreamed the my little pony song was playing to the image of count vegar turning into a precursor. 8. the sounds heard by the protagonist were actually something you used well. It was a little annoying to see the repeated words, but the fact that they didnt become a major peice of the story made my impression better. all in all, you used it to your advantage and didnt try and milk the creepyness of hearing the words of a curse repeated. So overall, great pasta, but lacking in the parts i just mentioned. also, you didn't spark any empathy for the protagonist in me, so most of the creepier things were completely lost on me. altogether, this is a solid 7/10, which is getting harder for me to give people because I've been seeing too much crap. Keep up the good work so I know where to go to fine a good creepypasta.